Are we going to adopt again?

This question has been bouncing around for some time now.  So I thought now would be a good time to answer this for everyone.  There are a lot of things to think about before adopting again that I think doing it once already we need to be aware of.  First of all adoption is HARD.  It starts with the paperwork, and the decision, and the waiting, and the travel, and the finances.  Then you get home.  You have a honeymoon period where everything is new and exciting, but that is when the work really begins.  That is when you start hitting the barriers.  Doctors appointments, therapy sessions, language barriers, behavioral barriers, no time to oneself, new child adjustments, current children adjustments, expectations, and on and on.

Adopting a child with special needs takes a special kind of patience.  We learned earlier on that our prayers needed to be focused on being the parents Chase needed to be, not having Chase be the child we wanted him to be.  With his hand deformity and shorter forearms things that we take for granted are a challenge.  Don't believe me? Try taking a short sleeve shirt off without your thumbs, only being able to bend your elbows to 90 degrees and not rotating your wrists (something Chase can't do because he is missing his radial bone in each arm).  Things that we take for granted are now things that we need to think about the way we do them and reinvent them in ways that we can teach him to do them.  Chase is very independent, which helps because he will rely on that to overcome a lot of extra challenges in this life.  But when trying to handle the daily routines of life with a three year old who wants to do it himself, but in many cases simply cannot or cannot yet, you can imagine it gets frustrating. 

So what does that have to do with adopting again?  Everything.  In order to adopt again we need to get some things figured out.  If we adopt again it would likely be from China and the special needs program.  This way Chase would have a sibling to share experiences with, to process things like racism, being different then the other kids, having a family that looks different then the other kids.  So then are we able to handle more than one child with special needs?  This would mean multiple doctors appointments, multiple therapy sessions, plus any specific needs that this new child would have.  Integrating additional kids into the family, the extra costs to feed one more mouth plus additional doctors appointments, etc etc...  

When we brought Chase home we drove a sedan, we quickly learned we needed a van.  We currently live in a three bedroom ranch, while we technically could fit more children into this house.  They need somewhere to go so mama and baba don't go crazy.  That means a bigger house or one with a basement.  Which will likely mean more house payments.  

I don't want this to sound like a whine session, but these are the kinds of things that go through our minds when we consider adopting again.  Those that have been there know it.  Those that haven't adopted don't understand all the complexities that go into adoption, especially special needs adoption.  So if you are on the outside looking in and all you see are the cute photos on Facebook, you may think adoption is all roses and sunshine I am here to tell you it. is. not.  

At the same time there are great rewards that come through adoption.  Chase can be a struggle at times, but he also gives the best hugs EVER.  He has the cutest smile and can be extremely easy going.  He is learning to play on his own and has a great imagination.  He is learning the family routine and we are all starting to settle in.  We have had a great summer so far and are looking froward to the rest of it.  The good days are starting to outnumber the bad days.  These are all good signs.

Now back to the original question.  Are we going to adopt again? The answer is a solid... Maybe.

We know adoption is a calling that God has put on our hearts.  We know that our obedience to that calling is a matter of faith a door that we have no problem stepping through.  There are things we need to figure out in order to bring another child home, not the least of which is the financial aspect.  Adopting again would required more fundraising which we are not looking forward to.  In fact we don't know if people would be as supportive since we have already adopted once.  I guess we will need to wait and see.  Right now we are waiting, our house is on the market and we have an accepted contingent offer on another house which is bigger and still within our price range.  So we are waiting and enjoying our summer, the Lord will let us know when the time is right.

Fathers Day and the Alpha Male

Amanda mentioned to me the other day how Chase is so completely different than the girls.  Other than the obvious ways you can all think of both of our girls were always fairly well behaved and would do pretty much what we asked of them.

But Chase is SO. MUCH. DIFFERENT.

Growing up with three brothers maybe I just didn't realize, or being a boy myself I just didn't care.  But boys are naughty when they are little.  While I understand pushing the envelope to see where the boundaries are, what I don't get is continually stepping over those boundaries on purpose over and over again without a care that the boundary is there.

At first I figured he just doesn't understand what we were saying so we just kept restating it.  However last night I tried a new technique.  When instructing him with what was going to happen next and what the punishment would be for not listening, I asked him to repeat it back to me.  Instead of his normal repeating, he did not approve of his options and decided to stare me down.  As if somehow his willful defiance would win my approval and I would submit to him this time.   Is was then I realized what he was really doing was challenging my authority as the alpha male.

Many pack animals have what they call the alpha male.  This is true for dogs, wolves, lions and apparently boys.  The alpha male is the leader, all other males in the pack follow the lead of the alpha male. Occasionally one of the other males in the pack will think they are strong enough to become the alpha, they challenge the alpha to a fight and the loser submits to the winner.

This is the reason you see mountain goats hitting heads, lions clawing, and deer tangling antlers.  Its the reason gators are missing parts of their tails, and the reason dogs jump on the backsides of other male dogs as well as that of young children.  They are showing dominance over the other male.  And it is the reason that Chase will stare me down in the bathroom and not open his mouth to brush his teeth.

While the consequences in the wild are more severe than in our house.  The idea is the same, if I can be more powerful than you, I will become the alpha male.  Knowing this, Fathers Day this year takes on a whole new meaning for me this year.

While Chase was home last Fathers Day, he was still very new to our home and probably more scared.  This year he knows the routine of the house, he knows what is expected, he knows he is part of a family.  His real personality is showing through.  This Fathers Day I keep thinking about how I not only need to continue to show him that I am the alpha male of the house, I also need to respect his willingness to challenge me so he can learn how to be the alpha male when the time is right in his life.

This idea leaves me with two final thoughts, first I feel bad for Amanda because she gets to deal with these battles far more often than I do.  Second I finally realized why the only punishment that was truly effective for my mom was, "Wait until your dad gets home."

Happy Fathers Day.

Once Upon A VanderMeer

Sometimes I think my life is like a big fairy tale. In the beginning God made a perfect paradise that he said was good.  Next, sin entered the world and man and woman were separated from him and the paradise was no longer perfect.  A couple years ago my parents thought we were done but no, God had a bigger plan! God sent a baby boy named Yuhuan into our family who took the new name Chase Micheal VanderMeer. Even though sin entered the world we can still do something about it. We can still show people there is a God.  And they lived happily ever after.  Or does God still have a bigger plan?