F-E-A-R

Fear. 

Definition: An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

To me, fear is more than just an emotion. It is a mountain. It is a challenge. It is a ten-foot brick wall blocking you from where you are trying to go. It is blinding. It is shadowing. It's building a wall around you and it's not letting you out, forcing you to believe only in what you can see. You refuse to see anything else or listen to anything else other than what the big black box you are stuck in is telling you. You are utterly, utterly, lost in despair and confusion. 

Fear is that little voice in the back of your mind saying, "You can't do this. You're to afraid." 

So you don't. 

I am afraid of a lot of things. Heights, speaking in front of a lot of people, etc. But I am also afraid of other things, things that don't necessarily make me feel sick to my stomach. I am afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone, and doing things I don't normally do. I am afraid that my new sibling(s) won't like me, and afraid of what this adoption could do to my family. I am also afraid that kids at my school will think I'm crazy or weird because my siblings are from another country. 

What are we doing? What happened to I can do all things through Him who gives me strength? Did God not say that he would protect us? 

"Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand." -Isaiah 41:10. He wasn't kidding, people. "For I the Lord your God will hold your right hand saying unto you, fear not; I will help you." -Isaiah 43:13. He will help us. He is always with us. He never leaves. So why are we afraid? 

In my heart I am afraid that the people reading this won't like it. And I am here to tell you that it is because you are trapped inside that big black box of fear. "You can't do this. You're to afraid." .

Yes, yes you can. You are never alone. 

And for that reason, you should never. be. afraid. 

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you." -Psalm 56:3. 

The Story of Jonah

I may have found our son. 

That was the text I sent Amanda (complete with picture) of a little boy named Jonah on an advocacy group I was a part of. 

Jonah was with a different agency at the time so I called them before I texted Amanda just to make sure they would be willing to transfer his file if we were interested.  After discussing it briefly we decided to request his file.

The agency he was with sent us his file and asked us to let them know if we were interested in moving forward.  They just wanted to check with a couple families that had been considering his file to make sure there families weren't interested before transferring.

Transferring a file can be a little tricky,  They don't actually transfer a file from one agency to another, but the file is transferred back to the CCCWA and then over to the new agency. 

We decided to move forward with requesting the transfer and in our hearts had accepted him as our son.  The agency that had his file said that they would try to find out by Monday if there were any interested families.  After not hearing anything Monday, I emailed them Tuesday to ask for an update, really just a friendly reminder.  What I got was unexpected.

Jonah was gone.  Sometime Monday night CCCWA had taken Jonah's file back and a completely different agency had grabbed it.  

It took us a few hours to find out which agency picked it up, We knew that agencies won't transfer a new file that they just received but we had to try.  We contacted our agency who was waiting for his file to become available and let them know what happened.  They were going to check into it but they didn't seem optimistic.    

Our hearts were breaking.  It is so hard to take ownership of a child in your heart and then let them go.  We had to go through that on our adoption with Chase and it is hard.  

I posted a brief summary of what happened in the advocacy group because a number of them at this point were following our story.  I asked them to pray for us and to recommend any other kids that fit what we were open to.

We had prayed together Thursday night that the Lord would bless this boy and find the right family for him.  We prayed that the child that He intended us to have would be safe and that He would open our hearts to another child just like he did Jonah's.

If you know the biblical story of Jonah you can help but see the similarities.  Jonah was called to go to Nineveh and prophesy, but instead of going where he was supposed to he jumped on a ship and headed a completely different direction.  He ended up being tossed overboard on the ship and being swallowed by a great fish.  He spent three days in the fish.  Was spit up on land and then finally went to go where he was meant to go all along.

It wasn't until Friday that we got the news. The agency that had Jonah's file had decided to transfer it to our agency.  This with them having the file for less than a week.  Something that simply DOES NOT HAPPEN.

It is only by the grace of God that we will get to call this boy our son.  But the Lord has made it clear to us that this is our son.  No matter what happens we can never doubt this.  And we are eternally grateful.